Do you ever feel like despite your most sincere desire and intent to live for the Lord, do right, put others first, seek Him, keep Him at the forefront and center, yet still self protests and trips you up constantly. Self continues to want to be excused and let off the hook. Self is tired. Am I trying to do in the flesh what only God can do? If so, how is that supposed to work? How does that recocile with the example and teaching of the apostle Paul and if I’m to “subdue the flesh” with what aspect of myself am “I” supposed to achieve this? Do you see the conundrum? The oxymoron? If what is to be made new must be made new by the Holy Spirit, what is there for me to do? What is my part? If I long to do right and if when I fail, that failure is the “old man” flesh, ok, so be it, but where is the triumph of the “new creature”?  Am I supposed to see that happen, or is that only ever going to be revealed in hindsight? Like, not until the next life?

Is it a matter of sometimes the new creature prevails and sometimes the flesh prevails? Is spiritual “maturity” a linear thing at all? Like forward progress going further and further along a path over hill, valley, crossing bridges and walking through gates getting further from self and nearer to God?

I understand there are cycles of “growth” but sometimes it feels more like circles. Like trying to find your way in the woods only to realize you walked for hours and are right back where you started. I can never seem to figure out if I’m really getting anywhere, but admittedly I may be looking at it all wrong.

I know one thing for sure. I know I need Him. I know what’s inside of this “tube of toothpaste” and what gets squeezed out under pressure. Lots I don’t like and wish wasn’t in me. In my flesh is no good thing.

I know every Christian out there has their own battle. I know every stage of life is it’s own season. I believe He who begins a a good work in us will be the one who completes it. I just sometimes really wish I could see Him getting somewhere with me. I feel like a “hopeless case” sometimes.

Like I said, my perspective is probably all kinds of skewed and wonky. I’ve been asking Him to fix it.

Run the race. Ok, I am trying, but why does it feel so much like a running of the bulls, as opposed to running a marathon. Skint knees, sprained ankles, lost time, wasted effort. It isn’t just running, it’s more like running, pursued, through an obstacle course, while also being strafed by enemy fire from every direction at once.

I don’t like it.

No one said it would be easy, but any indication about whether I’m headed in the right directiin would be nice. A clue? A hint?

That’s how I am. I seem to have a need for feedback. I’m that way when I communicate with people. Is it wrong, if that’s just how God designed me, to want that from Him as well?