I have heard it said, depression is anger, turned inward.

Lately the Lord has been taking me through a process of reframing some of my life experiences.

In all the years since I was disabled, I kept hoping to claw my way back to a better state of health. Mental, as well as physical.

And in all those years, we also were trying to integrate into a church we could call home. One after the other, some strife would develop between a couple of parties, that snowballed, got ugly, then turned into a split. A couple of the other kinds of problems that necessitated leaving, were personal issues of pastors, or their marriage/family, and some where error was coming in and from the pulpit.
I had wanted my kids to be raised with a church family like I had, growing up. It wasn’t until I really got into prophecy 14 years ago, that I realized it wasn’t just us. There were many church orphans.

That may have conyributed to my seeking fellowship with like-minded believers here on WordPress.

Back when I used to write a lot, it could take me 4-6 hours working on a post. Longer if a lot of research was involved.

I have so much trouble focusing, that once I do get really zeroed in on a task, I am extremely reluctant to quit until it’s finished because I know it will be hard to pick back up.

As the blog grew, at some point my mom started reading it. Prior to that, I shared more personal content. It became problematic once my mom became a regular reader. That is because Mom never heard of a thing called boundries. I would share something for the purpose of maybe helping someone else who was going through similarly hard things, and she never saw that asa thing to leave be.

She felt free to bring it up, probe, ask questions, or give her thoughts on the matter. My position is that sharing those delicate personal, often painful things, was an offering to God. A way to allow Him to redeem what the locusts had eaten, by providing encouragement to someone, or making them feel less alone in their own struggles.

Once I knew Mom was reading all of it, I instinctively stopped posting the sensitive personal stuff. Despite the fact that had been an aspect of the blog that many people appreciated.

While I was taking care of Mom, I dealt with so many mixed emotions. Sometimes there are family dynamics that we have no other option but to accept, but that doesn’t make us automatically suddenly ok with it. That was definitely the case for me. A lot of anger, a good bit of resentment.

For 18 months I was run ragged, traveling back and forth from my home to her home in another state.

But one of the hardest pills to swallow, was that prior to all of that, I had finally gotten my multiple medical issues controlled by their tratments, that I felt good. For the first time in 25 years.

Conflict with family members, dealing with insurance and treatments and hospital, nursing home rehab, three different home health agencies, agency on aging, ombudsman, lawyer, case managers, therapists, staying on top of meds and appointments, the having to be caregiver, and the not being allowed to be the daughter just spending some time with my Mom before she died.

I knew that I was going to have really, really copious amount of stuff to process after it was over. Because the issues of my relationship with Mom, were lifelong, but also other stuff that I have dealt with from age 20 to 43. Some things eventually resolve but the effect stays. It’s not that I ruminate on these things, A lot has been going on at a deep partly subconscious level.

When you are going through stuff, and you have to keep going, you don’t always work through things in real time. Anger and sorrow, stuffed way down for decades.

There’s a lot I am still figuring out and working through with the Lord, to lay it to rest. I have struggled some to pray and study my Bible during this time, at least to the degree I was doing prior, but by the grace of the Lord that’s getting better. There were some days that I just “checked out”.

I have been praying about this blog, asking God to help me know His will. I pay yearly to not have ads, and to keep the url address. If I don’t renew, I’m not sure what will happen, other than I will probably have to remove 90% of the photos. I have already taken down roughly half of previius posts, because of a thing called Jetpack. I don’t even know exactly what it is, except it sets a limit on number of posts, beyond which they start charging, because of the level I am paying to subscribe at.

I trust God will let me know, one way or the other, by Nov 7, (which is when my paid subscription will end. Have to renew each year).

But the way things are stacking up in the prophetic realm, the more it seems like we could hear the trumpet any moment.

Now that U.S. troops are authorized to use deadly force on U.S. Citizens, and everything is in place for the U.N. to dictate what Americans can and can’t do, including mandatory vaxs,and starlink blankets the sky and the any-moment (between now and Nov 8) Israel attack on Iran), and the Russia-China-Turkey-Iran Magog alliance are here, all the necessary stage-setting is in place for the tribulation, except an Israeli “covenent with many”.

There is no predicting what happens in Nov election. If Trump wins, and I think he may, it would be VP Kamala who will (or won’t) certify the vote. If Trump wins, he still may not take office.Of course, if the rapture happens in the next 19 days, that would surely be a sufficient crisis to warrant suspending the election indefinitely.
Maranatha Indeed!