It hurts to become irrelevant, just because you no longer conform to an image, to become invisible and no longer qualify as a “normal human being”, and be judged lazy, incompetent, and undisciplined.
It is painful to labor under the burden of a defective mind, which sometimes struggles to perform even the mundane.
They have no perception of the hourly exertion of will and strength required for my race, nor what lies underneath the cloak, invisible to the world.
Sometimes I forget myself. Like the fading image of a dead loved ones face, I forget who I am.
I chafe under the raw cruelty of continuing to breathe some days, wondering how it is that simply existing can be so difficult.
Lord help me keep walking.
I know someday this will all pass away, and it won’t matter anymore.
I often long for you to hasten that deliverance, have even asked.
But I understand that your purpose for me here isn’t finished.
So please help me to see beyond this suffering and give me strength beyond my weariness, for the sake of my boys.
They deserve a whole mom. But they have me.
Lord, prohibit me from becoming a miser.
Give me courage to give what I have. There is much that I lack, and I come boldly asking.
But mostly, please fill me with the things my family needs. If you will provide, Lord, it may somehow be all right.
It is all that I can really ask, that you please grant me rest for my mind, endurance for this broken vessel, and perseverance for this spirit that I may be steadfast for just one more day.
Copyright STLloyd 5-26-07