Morning Glory Memoirs, The Sequel

Always Something to Look Forward To

9-19-21

You know, the dating sites have wised up and realized there needs to be a separate site geared toward folks of a pre “born-with-a-tech-gadget in-hand” generation. Why hasn’t WordPress caught on? I finally figured out how to still get onto the classic editor template for posts, now I can’t find how to do the same in “pages”. 

I feel sorry for the people in their seventies trying to figure it all out. At least I was in my 20’s when first exposed to computers.

Why do there need to be so many “options”. Sure, change is good, but why throw out the old way when some of us prefer it and still use it?

I don’t like this “brave new world”. Mankind is getting far above their raising. Professing themselves wise, they’ve become fools!

Generation gaps get wider with every new generation. I met my first grandbaby yesterday. I don’t like the world that he has come into. Not a bit. It is dangerous, cruel, and harsh. If I did not believe that the rapture is coming soon, I would be inconsolable. I believe like King David, children before the age of accountability go to heaven if they die or in event of the rapture. I am happy I got to meet him and hold him. I’d be happy for all the rest of our interactions to be over on the safe shore of heaven in the presence if the Lord.

For a while, I was sad for our adult kids, that they wouldn’t get to have some of the good experiences of life. Now, I don’t think those good experiences will materialize regardless. This world is being swallowed up in darkness. You can almost feel a hot wind of dragon’s breath blow across the back of your neck it is so close. I don’t know much. At the end of 57 years of life, all I know is I want everyone I love, and myself, to be redeemed by the blood, by faith through the grace of God. I can’t fathom the love some people have, for all things evil. How can that be preferred?

God didn’t create mankind for that. He didn’t create us and set us on this huge sphere, so we could go our way, and just do whatever. He didn’t instruct us to multiply and populate the earth, so we could devote all of our abilities to enriching ourselves or just living for pleasure alone. We have gotten so far from His purpose.

“Everybody doesn’t believe in God”, you say? Well, everybody in 1000 AD didn’t believe there were living organisms in a cup of water that could make you sick. Someone had to invent the microscope first. But microscopic organisms existed, despite the fact no one believed in them. Haven’t people ever been wrong? Of course they have! The truth always prevails. A day will come when no living being doubts that not only is there a God, but there is only one God, and He has allllll of the power over alllllll things! It is exciting to have been born to this generation. It is also slightly terrifying. I am under the blood of Christ, and therefore have no reason to fear, but I can still appreciate the terror of God. The power He has, plus righteous wrath. It is coming. Laugh, scoff, mock, deny, dismiss, all at your own peril, because what He says, He will do, and you will fall on your face because your bones will liquify, all your strength will disappear, and sin cannot stand before His holiness, and you are infested with sin. It is inherited from the first parents, Adam and Eve.

I no more know how to be holy than I know how to breathe water instead of air. I am what I am and only God can make me into anything else. I have spent my life always thinking there is something I am supposed to “become” and wondering how I am supposed to make myself into that. I realize I still don’t know what or how. So I have to believe God is doing it. I mean, what does clay “do”? What does clay contribute to the thing being formed of itself by the potter? And once formed, what has the object to say in how the potter uses that thing formed, or where he is placed? The world is always saying “take control of your life”. “Choose your own destiny. Cut your own path.” God says “yield”, “heed”, “esteem others above self”, ” submit to God”. My mind is not vast enough to comprehend God or His ways, but I am intelligent enough to realize I’m no match for Him. I don’t have to understand things like aerodynamics, electricity, photosynthesis, or how a medication works, to benefit from them. It’s called faith. We all practice faith dozens of times a day, every day.

We have faith that the other drivers will stay in their lane. We have faith that office chair will hold us, that bridge will hold the weight of tons of vehicles. We have faith in someone, to properly cook our food, correctly credit our bank deposit, sterilize the surgical instrument that will be used on you, faith that the solar bodies will continue in their rotations, that water will evaporate, condensate, and precipitate. We take all of that on faith, then people say they just can’t believe there is someone who designed us as well as this whole world and the galaxies….

The Bible says no one has an excuse not to believe that He is. Personally, I like knowing there is someone in charge who is wise and all powerful. If I didn’t believe that, I would be terrified and without hope in the face of the conditions on planet Earth this very moment.

Even guys like Elon Musk and the late Steven Hawking have concerns over some of the things mankind has begun tinkering with, like CERN. I am not sure their egos will/ would have limited them from stepping over boundaries and safeguards, but they know man is endangering mankind. Some of the “mad scientists” don’t care. Good thing God is sovereign over all creation. If the whole planet were nuked, He could restore it. He, Himself will destroy this Earth eventually, and create a brand new one. It makes me wonder what else He has up His sleeve for the ages of ages of eternity. What other worlds, what other species of beings? An infinite mind can’t ever run out of ideas to create. Why do people think life after this one will be boring? Clouds, harps, white robes. It will be nothing like that. Know how I know? Because I can picture those, and so can you. He says our minds cannot even conceive of what He has in store for us. Selah!!!! Maranatha!!!

 

Melancholy

9-25-21

Today. I sat on the patio in the first nip of Autumn. 

Funny. I woke up this morning with my mind burdened with vague un-ease. Not quite anxiety, but concern.  Usually, I don’t do a whole lot of thinking that early. Maybe I had a dream that caused my state of mind, but I don’t remember dreaming. I hashed out my thoughts with my husband for a little while, and just putting the feelings into words helped. I think it might be a conditioned thing, Fall has always been my favorite time, but for so many years I was so sad, and when you are sad for a long time like that, and experience something that is special, the contrast between what you feel and what you know you ought to feel, can be so stark. 

This is a time of year that always puts me into a pensive, reminiscent state of mind. Unbidden, things rise up from my pool of memories. I will remember things I hadn’t thought of in years, and feel them like they are happening right now. Like walking around the big yard at Grandma T’s house. Picking up leaves, taking pictures, or just thinking. Sometimes it brings back less happy things.

I think a lot about loved ones that are gone. Some have been gone a long time. 

I think about how I envisioned my life would go, and how differently it did go. I think about things I wish I could have figured out sooner, and things taken away, and things I let myself lose. 

Some things look very different from this end of the lifespan. What am I saying, of course they do. Everything does. But more than anything, I think that when you are starting to be nearer to the end of your life than your beginning, it’s just instinctive to look back. 

It is getting close to being ten years since my Dad passed away. That happened in the Autumn. The last trip he and Mom made to VA, I had been knowing for a while that we were going to be losing one of them soon. Just one of my gut things.  I always figured Dad would go first. I knew as he drove away it was his last trip. God prepared me, I think. 

I dreaded losing a parent, wondered how I would handle it. Wondered how the other parent would handle it when one died. Well, I’ll tell you. I was more okay about Dad because I know how ready he was, to leave this world. He had been ready for a long time, like I have. 

Mom handled it like a trouper, but man life got a million times harder for her when he died. She went through so much! One thing after another. She has lived with chronic pain for decades. But over several years she had been developing a new pain in her legs. I thought on the rare occasions when she mentioned it, that it was more of her Fibromyalgia. Getting worse, or flaring. Since she has lived in another state for over 25 years now, I didn’t really know her current “normal”. Her sister had been after her for a couple of years or more about this pain. About seeing a doctor and trying to find out what the issue is. When she finally did, it was a pretty profound issue. She needs surgery, and that surgery has been delayed a year and a half already due to different things. The surgery is very risky. So there are no guarantees that she will survive it, nor that she will get back what she has lost in terms of strength and functional ability, and even if she dodges complications, recovery and rehab are not going to be a cake walk.   For a year and a half, she has been barely able to be out of her chair. It’s a recliner, which is good, because she even sleeps there. Now she feels like she probably won’t ever get the surgery, and that really bothers me, for all kinds of reasons. This Covid stuff has cheated so many people of so much. She is a six hour drive from me. I don’t do a lot of driving, ever since I was diagnosed with Narcolepsy, I generally limit myself to no more than thirty minutes to an hour of driving at one stretch. I want to be there helping her. Advocating for her with her doctors. Helping her with the daily demands of living life. But my doctors are here. I guess subconsciously that is what was weighing on me when I got up.

I know where my Dad is, and I know where my Mom is going when it is her time. She wasn’t ready to go ten years ago, but she is now, so if that is the outcome, whether she has surgery or not, then I know she is okay with that and I will be able to rejoice for her in her release from pain and immobility. I was hoping though, that she would have the chance of having the surgery and getting back some of her vitality. She never sat still for five minutes in her life before this. Always busy. Her life didn’t go the way she imagined either. Does anyone’s life go the way they expected? Her life has been very different from mine. I guess that is true from one generation to the next at least in the rapid-change world we live in now. Change is not always good. I’d say we have traded a lot of good, for a lot of nothing. 

With the birth of our first grandbaby 12 days ago, well, the world he just came into is not going in a good direction. He was born two days beyond the 20 year anniversary of 9-11. His Dad was in kindergarten when that happened, and it had a lot to do with his desire to join the army when he grew up. In a lot of ways, I guess you could say I am in the Autumn season of my life, and that is why I am feeling some of this. Yeah. I think that is it exactly. Wow. It all happened so fast. I know everybody my age and at my current stage says this. Sayings like that stick around because they are facts of life. There’s nothing so permanent as truth.