Many years ago when my illness first started out, the fatigue was the most profound problem, but led to severe mood issues for a lot of years. One cannot have profound ill-health of the body without it eventually taking a toll on the mind and emotions. Today I am running on empty a bit, so I decided to do a “semi reblog” of something I previously posted.
My blog is set up differently than most, in tht I have used “permenant pages” as tabs at the top, to share many of my poetry and other writings that I’ve composed over the years. I’ve pulled out one of those pages and posted it below. It is a prayer. It gives an idea of how it felt to live with that severe, fatigue-induced depression and impaired mental function. When the sleep disorders were finally diagnosed and treated properly, all of the depression, anxiety, and “mindfog” got much better and I got back to mostly having the more normal “everyday” ebb and flow of moods rather than severe and erratic swings. My mind was able to re-order itself so retrieving information became efficient once again.
Now that the physical stuff; the pain, the always feeling like I have the flu, have been relentless for 4 months, for the most part I’ve, by God’s grace and purposeful effort, managed to maintain a pretty upbeat perspective most of the time, but it’s not been easy and everyone has their breaking point. A person can only take so many days on end without relief. Yesterday was my worst day, to date, and I was crushed under the weight of it all.
Still, God knows our limits and has promised never to give us more than we can bear. So I will look for today to be a better day, and hope for the best.
Strength for the Weary (A Prayer)
It hurts to become irrelevant, just because you no longer conform to an image, to become invisible and no longer qualify as a “normal human being”, and be judged lazy, incompetent, and undisciplined. It is painful to labor under the burden of a defective mind, which sometimes struggles to perform even the mundane. Others have no perception of the hourly exertion of will and strength required for my race, nor what lies underneath the cloak, invisible to the world. Sometimes I forget myself. Like the fading image of a dead loved ones face, I forget who I am. I chafe under the raw cruelty of continuing to breathe some days, wondering how it is that simply existing can be so difficult. Lord help me keep walking. I know someday this will all pass away, and it won’t matter anymore. I often long for you to hasten that deliverance, have even asked. But I understand that your purpose for me here isn’t finished. So please help me to see beyond this suffering and give me strength beyond my weariness, for the sake of my boys. They deserve a whole mom. But they have me. Lord, prohibit me from becoming a miser. Give me courage to give what I have. There is much that I lack, and I come boldly asking. But mostly, please fill me with the things my family needs. If you will provide, Lord, it may somehow be all right. It is all that I can really ask, that you please grant me rest for my mind, endurance for this broken vessel, and perseverance for this spirit that I may be steadfast for just one more day. Copyright STLloyd 5-26-07
For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us. We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed; Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body. For we which live are always delivered unto death for Jesus’ sake, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our mortal flesh. 2 Corinthians 4:611