I am finding it increasingly challenging to maintain my steady perspective these days. I feel a heaviness of grief in my chest like a lump. I just saw a video of some little girl, surrounded by her own gaggle of pint-sized “amen-ers” in an NAR church (New Apostolic Reformation), maybe ten years old, “preaching” false doctrine, encouraging the adult males and females in the “sanctuary” to “be a funnel” and receive the “rain” of blessing and speaking in tongues. The packed congregation responded with such enthusiasm to the false teaching of this exploited young girl, who has been taught to blaspheme and that what she is doing is not just right and good, but a “gift” that she is meant to go around bestowing on others by laying hands on them.
The rioting and the targeting of police officers, the news of these ridiculous bathroom laws being foisted onto churches in some states, more and more incitement of rage between black and white and all the hate and coldness. I feel the chill of it. My bones and my deepest spirit just ache with it and it’s a grief that can’t find expression in mere tears. It’s so much deeper and broader. It can only be expunged by pouring it out to the Lord.
The fatigue that I live with, has been getting worse for the past few months. And that is even though all of my meds, which I had previously mentioned that insurance may no longer cover, have actually been approved and covered without interruption.
I imagine I should not be surprised, since even though what I do here, I consider to be a very miniscule piece of Kingdom Work, exposing the lies of the enemy and shedding the light of truth in the midst of such encompassing and increasing darkness, is in opposition to the enemy and this may simply be the cost. I know even if it is, permission was granted by the Lord, and despite the sometimes overwhelming desire to walk away from this battle, I don’t have any intention of surrendering or ceding anything to the enemy, unless the Lord Himself releases me. I admit sometimes I wish that He would.
I think there is persecution that doesn’t necessarily come at the hands of government or society, but is more personal. Look at Job. Not that I am comparing, but the troubles visited upon him were direct from Satan. One to one, and customized, but God allowed them.
I pray for you, that if you share this sensitivity to the level of evil in our “environment”, that God will carry you. I couldn’t even pretend that I continue to do this via anything within myself, even if I wanted to. God has been carrying me for quite some time now. I had not really faced that fact squarely, we are such prideful creatures who want to do it ourselves. But I can’t. I simply can’t. I am beyond spent. Despite having had to accept the loss of strength and stamina and ability and options for many years already, it is still somehow surprising to me to feel what little remaining strength ebb plumb away. This is, in God’s economy, the best way for us to be of usefulness to God though, is it not? Tthe stripping away of self and flesh. And maybe I should view it as signifying entrance into a new season of seeing God work in ways I stand little chance of ever mistaking as being my own achievements. If so, that is fine by me. It is hard to find the line between yielding and effort, to know which is appropriate when. But I reckon that when you have nothing to offer but your weakness, at least then there’s no question Whose work is taking place. And despite calls by so many in the church, for us to rise to action, to do more, I think yielding the right of way to G0d, to the Holy Spirit, is the surest avenue conducive to minimizing delays, detours, and distractions, and God’s desired ends being achieved.
But maybe that’s just the muddled musings of a mind fogged with fatigue. God knows. Thankfully, God knows. That’s good enough. In a “need to know” world, I am finding that it can be a relief to leave more of the knowing to God, and stick with simply trusting.