New Year, New Menace!

Ok. We were all hoping Jesus would have been here by now to give us a ride home, but looks like 2018 has arrived. Unfortunately, I am starting it out already tired.

The entire second half of 2017 was emotionally rocky due to extended family cr…..I mean stuff.

Then, we had an “accidental houseguest”/New dependent for 5+weeks. Backstory: friend of son seems to be in crisis, soon possibly homeless. Son, not big on getting details, and at work, anyway, calls hubby  asks if friend can hang at our house til he gets things figured out.  Hubby, also not big on getting details, says “ok by me, but you better check with Mom”, brings phone to me in other room, & son, having already told the tale once, gave me an even more abbreviated summary, half of which I didn’t even hear, being, well, practically deaf and on hubby’s phone on which the volume is low enough to be drowned out by a jet engine, unlike the setting on my own phone. Looking to hubby, and trusting his judgement, I concur!

It was Wednesday a.m.  about 10:00. What hubby and I agreed to, was letting him stay through the weekend just for a break from a chaotic situation in his home. We didn’t probe. He has been to our house numerous times to hang out with the rest of their posse in the dungeon. That’s my name for our basement. Aka The fallout shelter, or man cave.

Weeeeheeeeheel. Long about 6pm, having expected him much sooner, imagine my surprise, when upon hearing the knock at the door, and opening it, there stands friend, with jumbo- sized suitcase, and laptop, and he greets me with five horrifying words: ” Thanks for taking me in!”

I wish there were a written equivalent to that slow mo audio used in radio and t.v.! You will just have to use your imagination.

“Thhhhhaaaankssss fffffffoorrrr taaaakiiiiiiing meeeee innnn (cue scratch of needle across grooves of record vinyl) then segue to cricket sound and freezeframe my horrified facial expression.

Playing it cool, I excuse myself and go to the other room to tap out an all-caps update to warn the male, aka non-me portion of the family “know to be afraid”, then came back to see friend making himself right at home!

Oh Lawsie, hep me! Ya gotta hep me now, you know this was not the plan!

Three days later, mail addressed to him, begins to arrive in our mailbox!

Thirty-threeeeeeeee days later, 7pm New Years Eve, we narrowly avoided starting the New Year on a violent foot!

Yep, he was here on Christmas. Here while son and Hubby were at work. Here without income. Yup. Ayup! Mmmmhhmmm!

You are familiar with the television program named “Snapped”right?  There but for the grace of God and possibly a cadre of intervening angels….

Wanna know what I got for Christmas, (besides a nervous breakdown, I mean)?

Well, lemme just share the announcement I sent out.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is to announce that it is with profound regret and sadness, and also much long procrastination that I have retired my old simple, faithful, easy- to -use flip phone and must now with courage face, and endure with great endurance, the egreigious tyranny of that confounded creation, the persnickety, arrogant and evil “Smartphone”. Thusly, if perchance you do not hear from me yet ever again, allow that it will signify, forsooth and anon, that in truth the spirit is not willing, and the flesh, having suffered an blind rage, hath obliterated said menace by means of one blunt object, or possibly ordnance of military caliber and am therefore wanted for the murder of an artificial life form which in this new world order of 2018, is the utmost heinous of crimes, punishable by being hung by the neck, with all thirty-two hundred charging cords currently cluttering my junk drawer……..until dead. Do not mourn for me, no, do not! For I am going to a land where no e-gadget may enter, all of which are of their father the devil, and whose end is to be cast into outer darkness with all other damnable creatures for all time and eternity without end, Amen!

If there are spelling errors in this post, don’t blame me! One of the things I hate most about “smart gadgets”, they are a hella presumtuious! (Don’t, worry about that cutsiefied swear word there. Ima just wait til I teach this-ere smart phone that it ain’t as smart as it thinks, then I’ ll do all my repentin’ at once. )


ME, to son, ” now son, what have you learned from this experience?”

Son: “Ta not to!”

(Fast learner, that’n is!)





One thought on “New Year, New Menace!

  1. Oh Sandee I needed to read this. Though we have “talked” and I knew some of it, I read it and laughed and you brightened my day. Thank you for writing it ha ha. You are one tough cookie : )


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