I have been a bad person. I say often ” I’m not a good person, but I see I have been disobedient to God, and like any good parent, He wants me to stop being bad.
I was saying to somebody just lately, we judge ourselves by our intentions, we judge others by the consequences they cause.
I have repeated the offense that waylaid me in my youth. It boils down to getting to a “sweet spot” in my walk, then when things don’t go the way I thought they were headed on some item or issue, or relationship. Maybe I I start to look unkindly upon people around me when I recognize a bad attitude in them. I don’t think I am judging, but God is the one who defines what constitutes judging, and unless He reveals it to us we will be doing it and remain clueless of the wounds we may cause. When we think we know that other person doesn’t care, when instead, they have something going on that they are hurting about, themselves, and may be feeling the VERY same way about us. I thought they just didn’t care. They thought I just didn’t care. When I believe I have been wronged, over and over by so many people, I feel justified to just give up trying with people. I have been hurt and disappointed so many times. I started to feel “why bother”. Losing hope in and giving up on someone else because I feel unloved or unappreciated is not what Christians are supposed to do. It is the epitome of what Peter did. Anytime we take our eyes off of Jesus, off the cross, it can only end in tears.
That is why the saying exists “Hurt people hurt people.”
Little things add up and start chipping away at your heart. And the moment you start giving up, both heart and conscience become a little bit harder.
Hardening hearts are reverting back to their original depraved state. Not all at once, but drip by drip. You feel yourself turning callous, and you care, but are kinda numb at the same time. If we let it continue until you put our conscience to sleep and our heart becomes frosty. Frosty hearts, like frosty windows, prevent a clear view of things as you travel down the road. Same for frosty hearts. Frosty windows can cause car wrecks, and frosty hearts can make a trainwreck. It never fails. If you get in your car, too impatient to scrape and defrost, you are just asking for trouble.
You soon find your prayer life faltering. Something is wrong. You have a hard time praying. Some stuff piles up in the church you attend. You start skipping services, and next you know you are feeling despondent. Sincerely asking yourself what happened.
I cannot get free of this flesh fast enough. It’s nothing but trouble and sorrow. Forgive me, Lord. I have sinned against you, harmed your reputation among the circle of influence you set around me.
Why do we look at what others did that hurt us, instead of at God when we should know by now, it will only sink a person? I know if we will hold our peace, He will publicly prove our innocence to the ones who harmed or hurt us. But patience? No. I have to fix it . Now! And then I wonder why everything I do to try and fix it, only makes things worse. Then God decides, ok, time for a review. Then shows you exactly where you went off the rails. Usually, it’s several places. The Holy Spirit tried to tell me. I brushed off the guilt, continuing to hurt, and to hurt others. Do we ever learn? Do we ever progress to a “next level”? Maybe. Until we focus on the wrong thing and the enemy knocks us right off our high horse.
Abba Father, thank you for loving me enough to chasten me. One of the worst things about being an adult, is that sense that there is no longer a parent there to help you know where the lines are. Until you remember you do still have a parent, and He IS still showing you where the lines are, if you will only see them. I can’t afford not to see the lines, especially in perilous times. God is so patient and so willing to grant forgiveness. Even when we have had this lesson before, it is too easy to forget how it turned out for us last time.