At a loss

I gotta say, I’m at a loss even as we see the conditions of the days of Lot and Noah, come to fruition and the days becoming more and more evil. I keep seeing and hearing stories about the UFO’s, more every day like it is building up to something, right?  After watching and waiting so long, the suspense is taking a toll. Not knowing how much we will see, of economic collapse, and “reset”. The rebuilding of the Temple? The oracle of Damascus, Gog Magog. Trying not to think about how bad it could get. Those realities are almost surreal as I watch the curtains move from the breeze, and listen to my wind chimes tinkle and clang.

I can’t look at the news. It has taken no time for the pretend admin to undo all the good that had been done the four years prior.

I continue my sweep through the blog, tidying up broken links, tracking down the original articles in some cases, and where I can’t, I’m deleting old posts. I am trying to get it into shape to leave behind. I am surprised how short-lived so many blogs were that I used to follow, and re-post from, and how short a time some things remain in the same location on the web. Everything is transient now, I guess. I think a lot about just back to my childhood when we got together with relatives for a picnic just to be together and outdoors. Relationships have been changing a long time now. The effort to divide families and destroy the family unit itself, have been largely successful.

I have woken up every day the past several mornings with just a heavy sadness sitting on my heart. Not because I am going to miss this world. I just mourn at what has been thrown away, really. that our kids never got to know. I can’t imagine the depths of evil that will take over after we are gone. I am so glad I don’t have to.

That sadness starkly contrasts with the beautiful sunny day outside, and spring temperatures. I notice that suddenly we seem to have kids in the neighborhood again. When we moved here, my husband and I were in our early thirties, and had a six week old baby, and another 2 years later. We were the young family, surrounded by mostly retired folks who had lived here their whole lives, and we witnessed as one by one, the elderly ones died, moved to live near or with their adult kids, or went into nursing homes. One good thing right now is that several of the deteriorating properties are  being remodeled, and sold. Because it’s an affordable area where you can get pretty good square footage for your buck, and some maybe downsizing due to economy, or young families starting out, it’s all changing the face and the feel here for the better. People around us have generally kept to themselves. Not a lot of interaction between neighbors, because older run-down areas became rentals, with frequent turnover and with the minimal upkeep the landlords could get by with.  So people didn’t stay long and sometimes there were those houses where all the cars come and go, all hours. I mean the ones that get raided at 3 a.m. After things get run down and buildings are torn down, a new stage of growth starts.

With people working from home, and schooling from home, there is less of the feeling of isolation that I used to have when the boys were in school, and hubby went to work. I always hoped we would move from here as we were raising the kids, but the Lord never let it happen. I grew up here in this neighborhood, and I remember telling my husband we would have to get out early or we will need to stay until there is another upswing to get the benefit of the investment. Looking at the world now, and hearing the alarms warning of food scarcity and more lost jobs, I have reason to be glad that we stayed. We have room for both our grown kids and their families as they come along, if it were to be necessary, we could make it work, if it’s going to be longer still than we expected before He calls us up.

My generation had it too easy. We came in on Leave it to Beaver and now it’s zombies and demons. Our boys recognize now that they have had it easy too, compared to many other generations and other areas of the world. Ours did get to experience life before cell phones to a degree, because we were of some of the later folks to capitulate and get one, and they didn’t get theirs until high school. Our oldest is Gen Z  and our youngest is Millennial. I wonder how much of their differences are attributable to that. Just 2 years apart. My husband and I are the very last of the Baby Boomer generation. Family life changed so much from the time we were born and raised. Divorce rates skyrocketed. Then a lot of people chose to cohabitate rather than marry.

Funny how every generation eventually gets to this stage of looking back at the panorama of changes that they witnessed during their lifetime.  It was last summer that we walked our son and his wife out to their car as they were leaving to go back home and there we were, officially the old folks, seeing them off after a visit. I commented on how strange it felt and said, “next thing we know, there’ll be grandbabies in the mix. And they didn’t know it yet at that time, but they already had one on the way. Actually, she might have known, or suspected, but hadn’t told him yet.

It was so short a time ago that we left the hospital with him. I will never forget how that felt. I looked at him, he looked at me, we wave to the nurse, and were like, “are they just going to let us drive off with this baby?” lol. But you figure it out as you go. God grows a baby, then He grows an adult, then He grows a parent…. We are always becoming the next thing.

At this juncture, I am having a little bit of a tug of war in my heart. I never thought I’d get to be a grandma, I just couldn’t imagine it, and now, I wonder if we get to meet the little butterbean before the rapture. I think everyone in heaven is kind of like Adam and Eve were, God created them already “aged” to adulthood, and I just wonder if every one is an adult in heaven. Are the souls of babies still going to be babies? Or will they be maybe a young adult version of themselves. I want our boys to get to experience the wonder of becoming parents, but I know not everybody gets to experience everything. Some people want kids and can’t have them. Some children die, never reaching their potential.

Going someplace where all of that sadness is banned along with illness and sin and death, is so very appealing. I have spent a lot of time in my life thinking about heaven. This world has never had much appeal for me. When you are born again, God puts a different, higher standard in you.  The nearest we can get in trying to imagine what it will be like in that next life, is to think of all of the most awesome things of this life. Mountains, beaches, flowers, love, birth, sunshine, music, good food, laughter. The things that would still be here if we got rid of all of man’s inventions.

Man. So full of self.

Self, everywhere I go, there I am. Can’t escape me. How will that be different in heaven? For starters that me will be free of the curse of sin and flesh. That will be refreshing! He will give us a new name. What comes after the thousand years of Christ’s earthly reign? Ages and Ages and whatever God has planned. New creations? Life in eternity. We are hidden in Christ, and He is outside of time, already in “eternity” so we are already there too. Loved ones that have passed are in eternity, and if it’s eternity, that means they have always been there. Head exploding yet?  Dimensions won’t be limited anymore. Colors we have never seen? Music you can taste?

When you think about it, the cares of this world that can seem so monumental, just melt like ice on a summer-hot road.

2 thoughts on “At a loss

  1. Always enjoy reading your posts; either I learn something; just appreciate a fresh perspective; or gain additional knowledge by the articles or the research I do afterwards. I am curious about your sons’ outlooks as I have two sons a little younger than yours who are beginning their professions, buying homes, and in marriageable ages. If possible, would you mind sharing their take on where we are in the end times and how they are conducting themselves accordingly?


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