When God allows trials in our lives, it is so easy to lose sight of the fact that the development is not a surprise to Him. It is our own presumptiousness which results in our disappointments and disillusionment. Every day of the past 4 months has been a bit of an internal wrestling match for me. To accept what has been happening to me physically, as my body grows weaker, as pain has become increasingly a continuous rather than intermittant issue, and literally on a moment by moment basis, to have to make the choice of faith versus feelings. I do not have the “right” to a pain-free life. I don’t have the “right” to be strong. All those things are blessings, privileges, gifts. And I am very grateful to my loving Heavenly Father that for many years I was strong. For many years I could work hard, walk, run, be busy and active.
But I am also sincerely grateful for the difficulties, and yes the pain, severe fatigue, and weakness. These things keep me from putting too much faith in me. They force me to know I need Him. It was so easy when I was more “capable”, to just forge ahead without considering God in my plans and activities. And so often I would be a long way down a wrong road before I even realized I’d wandered off from Him. When you wake up hurting and stiff, it’s pretty natural to call on the Lord first thing, just for the help you need to get out of bed. And the “thank-you” at the end of the day is also very sincere because I am truly grateful to “finish the race” each day and lay my head down to finally rest.
I have been truly blessed to walk with Jesus for most of my life. And He is dearer to me every day. And if in God’s infinite wisdom which is far beyond my ability to comprehend, He so chooses that suffering is better for me than ease, then I trust Him and I will continue to praise Him and thank Him for the many blessings which come from His hand every day.
I am feeble and sore broken; I have roared by reason of the disquietness of my heart. Lord all my desire is before thee; and my groaning is not hid frmo thee. My heart panteth, my strength faileth me; as for the light of mine eyes, it also is gone away from me.
Have mercy upon me, O Lord, for I am weak; O Lord, heal me, for my bones are vexed. My soul is also sore vexed; but thou, O Lord, how long?
I waited patiently for the Lord; and He inclined unto me and heard my cry. He brought me up also out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock and established my goings. And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God; many shall see it, and fear and shall trust in the Lord. Blessed is the man that maketh the Lord his trust. (Selections from Psalm 38, Psalm 6 and 39).